Something Totally Ridiculous
by Sphinx's Conundrum
Summary: Something Totally Ridiculous: A parody of Cinderella (if Cinderella had a bit of an attitude problem, and everyone else--including the male characters--was a moronic valley girl
1. Act One, Scene One

ACT ONE  
  
Scene One: Elizabeth's house  
  
Elizabeth: (shrilly) Melanie! Melanie! Get up now! I need you to make our breakfast, scrub the floors, and take our out-of-date-last-month clothing to the Salvation Army! Where are you? GET UP!  
  
Melanie: Make Jessica or Katie do it!  
  
Elizabeth: (screeching) WHAT? You ungrateful wench! After your father died, leaving us to deal with the burden of taking care of you...  
  
Melanie: (muttering) Can't see why he married you in the first place, you numbskull.  
  
Elizabeth: Excuse me? What was that?  
  
Melanie: I said, I wish you were buried someplace; you're dumb and dull. (slaps forehead) Dang it! Why can't I make up a lie that won't get me in trouble?  
  
Elizabeth: How dare you? That's it, young lady! No meals for a week! (thinks for a moment) Wait, that will just make you skinnier. All right, ten pounds of lard per day for you, young lady! We'll make you fat! (Melanie beats floor, screams, and throws a huge tantrum) And let that be a lesson to you! (slams Melanie's door)  
  
Melanie: (stops screaming, stands up) Little does she know...I'm bulimic! (sighs) Well, I'd better get to work on that breakfast. (turns to pet rat) What do you think, Joe, ants in the omelette or your droppings in the coffee? (Joe squeaks) Both? What a great idea! (gets up, leaves) 


	2. Act One, Scene Two

Scene Two: King's Castle, dinnertime  
  
King Boris: (to Prince Charlie) And how are your studies going?  
  
Prince Charlie: Fine, but that's a boring topic. Let's change the subject.  
  
Boris: (thinks for a minute) Met any hot women lately?  
  
Charlie: Speaking of changing the subject...  
  
Boris: No, we're staying on this one. You are nineteen years old, and you are supposed to be married!  
  
Charlie: Until I meet a woman who's beautiful, charming, and intelligent, I declare myself an old bachelor!  
  
Boris: Well, there's only one way for you to find the perfect one. We're having a ball!  
  
Charlie: (groans) Father, in case you haven't noticed, balls are SO hundreds of years ago.  
  
Boris: All right, then. We'll try something from this century. (thinks for a moment) That's it! We're having a sleepover!  
  
Charlie: (goggles at Boris in disgust) We're WHAT?  
  
Boris: (gets up and paces around) It's perfect! You'll tell if she's beautiful if she can look good in pajamas with messed-up hair. She can display her charm in a pillow fight. And if she can think up good questions and dares for Truth or Dare, she's obviously intelligent! I'd like to see you come up with an argument for THAT!  
  
Charlie: But--  
  
Boris: I said I'd like to see you come up with an argument, not hear you.  
  
Charlie: How--  
  
Boris: No, no. No arguments. We're having a sleepover, and that's final! (walks out of room)  
  
Charlie: (sits, stunned, for a minute) I just wanted to know how someone can display her charm in a pillow fight... 


	3. Act One, Scene Three

Scene Three: Midday the next day, in the kitchen at Elizabeth's house Elizabeth: (waltzes in) Have you heard? The prince is having a sleepover!  
  
Melanie: (interrupts scrubbing to stare at stepmother) A WHAT?  
  
Elizabeth: (rolls eyes) You know, everyone brings sleeping bags, although no one sleeps; they stay up all night--  
  
Melanie: I know what a sleepover is. I was just temporarily too disgusted to believe my ears.  
  
Katie: (dramatically) But what pajamas do I have that are fancy enough for a royal sleepover?  
  
Jessica: You can borrow my red silk pajamas if you want...  
  
Katie: (snorts) Um, like, red is sooo last week. Pink is the new red!  
  
Jessica: Duh. That's why I'm wearing my pink silk pajamas!  
  
Elizabeth: Girls, girls, don't fight. I'll buy you both new orange silk pajamas. In case you've forgotten, pink is sooo two days ago. Orange is the new pink! Then I'll get myself some blue ones. I've heard that blue is going to be the new orange!  
  
Jessica: I want blue too!  
  
Melanie: What will I wear?  
  
(The others snicker)  
  
Elizabeth: What makes you think you're invited?  
  
Melanie: Well, for one thing, "Everyone is invited" is printed in very large letters on that invitation in your hand.  
  
Elizabeth: (unfazed) All right, you can go...if you can find something decent to wear...something besides that long T-shirt and flannel pants. Otherwise, you'll disgrace us all.  
  
Melanie: And orange silk pajamas wouldn't disgrace you? (Elizabeth glares) All right, all right, I can take a hint. (goes to her room) As dumb as that sleepover sounds, I can't miss it--people will forget I exist. Not that anyone knows...(contemplates) Well, I need to get out of the house. I HAVE to find something to wear!  
  
A voice in the room: I think I can help...  
  
Melanie: Who said that? (looks around)  
  
Voice: Over here...  
  
Melanie: (turns to her rat cage) JOE?  
  
Joe: (waves) Hi Melanie!  
  
Melanie: (takes several deep breaths, and talks slowly) Why is my rat talking to me?  
  
Joe: It's a scientific fact that rats develop speech skills after two years of human contact.  
  
Melanie: It IS?  
  
Joe: Nah, it just sounded cool when I said it. Anyway, my fellow rats and I will be perfectly willing to make your pajamas...trouble is, we need some silk.  
  
Melanie: How am I supposed to get silk?  
  
Sibilant voices: I think we can help...  
  
Melanie: (turns) SILKWORMS? OKAY, silkworms can't even squeak, so how can you TALK?  
  
Silkworms: Your fairy godmother taught us.  
  
Melanie: I HAVE A FAIRY GODMOTHER?  
  
Joe: Nice job, you imbeciles. That was supposed to be a surprise.  
  
Melanie: Okay, okay. I'm hallucinating. I'm going to close my eyes and count to five, and when I open them, you silkworms are going to be gone, and Joe, you are NOT going to be talking. GOT IT? (glares around, closes eyes) One...two...three...four...five! (opens eyes) Good, everything is NORMAL. Now I just have to get some pajamas somehow...(slaps forehead) WAIT A SECOND! I just refused help! What's wrong with me? I NEED HELP WITH THESE PAJAMAS!  
  
Joe: Too late...you offended us...  
  
Melanie: (snaps back) SHUT IT, YOU! 


	4. Act One, Scene Four

Scene Four: Later that day, Elizabeth's house again  
  
Katie: (squeals) We're back! Melanie, check out these ADORABLE blue pajamas we bought!  
  
Jessica: (sniffs) But keep your filthy hands off of them!  
  
Katie: Well, we should dispose of our old pajamas...they're not in fashion. Blue HAS become the new orange.  
  
Elizabeth: Good idea, dear. Melanie! Take these old pajamas to the dump!  
  
Melanie: (chokes) The DUMP? Why not the Salvation Army?  
  
Elizabeth: They're two weeks old! Who would want them? Take them!  
  
Melanie: (stunned, takes pajamas, walks out) She gave these to me to take to the dump. Two weeks old, and red is probably going to be the new blue or something...no, purple is going to be the new blue, and red is going to be the new purple a week later.  
  
(A group of teenage girls passes by)  
  
One of the girls: What? Purple is the new blue? And then red?  
  
Melanie: Uh...just a prediction...  
  
Girl: Wow, this is amazing. I went to an old fortune-teller today and asked her what colors would be in fashion next. Sadly, she's colorblind, but she said that I'd pass by someone who would tell me the answer. Thanks! (hugs Melanie, runs off)  
  
Melanie: (stunned) Well now they'll be in style, since all of them are going to start wearing purple...then red...I could use this to my advantage...(drops pink silk pajamas off at Salvation Army, stuffs red pajamas under her shirt, runs home)  
  
Elizabeth: Good, you're back. I need you to--(stops, stares at Melanie) You're looking chunkier now...  
  
Melanie: Must be the ten pounds of lard.  
  
Elizabeth: (looks satisfied) All right, then, you may go to your room.  
  
Melanie: (goes to her room) Great...I hope red will be in style by the sleepover. It will be in style in maybe...a week? When's the sleepover? She never told me...(goes to kitchen, looks at calendar) It's in three days? But purple will be in fashion then...I need purple pajamas...  
  
Katie: (runs out of her room, shouting) Muuum...Jenny called me and told me that purple is in fashion now...and apparently red is going to be the new purple in a few days! I need red pajamas!  
  
Melanie: Well that simplifies things a little... 


	5. Act One, Scene Five

Scene Five: Day of sleepover, Elizabeth's house  
  
Elizabeth: (looking at Katie and Jessica) All right, girls, are we ready to go?  
  
Jessica: Yeah...red pajamas, check. Toothbrush, check. Toothpaste, check. Sleeping bag, pillow, change of clothes, check. Let's go.  
  
(They start to leave)  
  
Melanie: Wait! (Appears at top of stairs) I'm going with you!  
  
Elizabeth: Oh really? I hope you found a pair of pajamas that wont disgrace us...  
  
(Melanie waves red pajamas like a flag)  
  
Jessica: Hey! Those are mine!  
  
Melanie: They were. You told me to take them, remember?  
  
Jessica: I did not!  
  
Melanie: Well, Elizabeth did. I seem to remember her telling me to take them.  
  
Elizabeth: (furious) I told you to take them to the dump! They don't belong to you! (confiscates pajamas)  
  
Jessica: (with a sarcastic wave) Ta-ta, dear!  
  
Katie: Oh, come on, she can borrow my blue pajamas...  
  
Elizabeth: (briskly) I think not. Let's go. (The three leave quickly)  
  
(Melanie runs to her room, screams into her pillow)  
  
Voice: What's wrong, dear?  
  
Melanie: (looks up, sees old woman in a periwinkle sparkly dress) Well, there's this sleepover that I want--  
  
Woman: You know, we fairy godmothers don't actually expect an answer when we ask that. We already know what's wrong. We only ask so you acknowledge our presence. The first thing that comes out of 99% of the goddaughters' mouths is "Who are you?"  
  
Melanie: Uh...who are you?  
  
Woman: Didn't I just tell you? I'm your fairy godmother!  
  
Melanie: Well...what should I call you?  
  
Woman: Just call me Vera.  
  
Melanie: Okay...well...Vera? Are you going to help me?  
  
Vera: (rolls eyes) DUH! Why else would I be here? Anyway, yeah. I provide transportation, attire, and even a teddy bear! Observe. (walks down stairs, goes outside; Melanie follows) See that watermelon? (takes out wand) Now I will turn it into your car! (waves wand)  
  
Melanie: Are you supposed to say some kind of weird incantation?  
  
Vera: Quiet, you! Only the rookies say incantations. I've been doing this for sixty years! (watermelon turns into a bicycle) Well...maybe for a spell this big...BICYCLUS TURNINTOCARUS!  
  
Melanie: Oh, that's creative.  
  
Vera: Yeah, well, I didn't write this stuff.  
  
(Bicycle turns into a convertible)  
  
Melanie: Well, it's effective, obviously.  
  
Vera: Now...(surveys Melanie with a critical glance) You can't go wearing that!  
  
Melanie: Actually, red shirts with purple pants are in style now.  
  
Vera: Oh, right. Well, as for your pajamas...(waves wand) Reddus pajamasus appearus! (red pajamas appear in Melanie's hands) There's just one problem. The pajamas will turn into your long T-shirt and flannel pants at 9:00 AM. So you have to be home by then. The convertible will turn back into a watermelon, and the teddy bear will disappear.  
  
Melanie: What teddy bear?  
  
Vera: Uh...that one! (waves wand, teddy bear appears in Melanie's hands) And now, the final touch. (pulls pink bunny slippers from her pocket. I have noticed that you have freakishly tiny feet. So I bought the perfect size for you.  
  
Melanie: Why didn't you just make them from the air?  
  
Vera: Because! You'll be late leaving, so you'll have to run out of the house, thereby losing one of these. Unless you want it to disappear along with all the other things, it's perfect. The prince, too, will notice that no normal girl your height would have feet that small, so he'll take the slipper around town trying it on every girl's foot until he finds you.  
  
Melanie: Wouldn't he just recognize me?  
  
Vera: Well, when I say "he", I neglect to mention that he will be too lazy to do it himself. He'll send some servant out to do the work for him. Anyway, just go!  
  
Melanie: Thank you! 


End file.
